Dad: Mission Accomplished

I don’t want to put words in my wife’s mouth, but the nine months of hormonal swings, back pain and general ickiness of pregnancy was worth it. WELL worth it. We now have our baby girl. She is awesome. And chubby. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. The first “I’m a dad” moments for me came shortly after she was born when she a) grabbed my finger and b) looked me right in the eye while I was feeding her.  

Mary Jane went into labor at about 9 p.m. on Sunday night a little over a week ago, and we were in the hospital by 12:30 a.m. She, of course, had to shower, do her makeup and fix her hair before we went. She wasn’t really sure when her next shower would be. Then there’s the whole Maternity Ward Beauty Pageant that she had to prepare for too (she won).

All the labor inducements we tried over the past month paid off. It was either the sex, spicy food, walks, evening primrose oil, pineapple, bouncing ball, eggplant parmesan, membrane sweeping or Punxsutawney Bill that did it. The good thing is, one of them worked. The bad thing is, we used 25 independent variables so we’re not exactly sure which one worked for next time around. Maybe that’s why nobody can pinpoint what exactly triggers labor.

Albert Einstein had three kids, and we still don't know what causes labor.

During the 19-hour labor, Mary Jane was a champ and lasted about eight hours without an epidural. She was much better once she got that going, but then she ended up pushing for OVER THREE HOURS. Susan, all 8 pounds and 14 ounces of her, was very stubborn working her way through the complicated maze that is my wife’s birth canal. She came out with her hand on her chin, which – if you’ve seen any her ultrasound photos – is her standard pose. It didn’t make the pushing any easier, though. Susan still doesn’t sleep without at least one hand on her chin.

The many faces of Susan. All with that hand.

My role during the entire labor was to coach Mary Jane through the contractions and pushing, but honestly my job was not that hard. I just tried to keep her focused on the next push while holding her leg up and telling her how awesome she was. She will say that I was a great coach, but coaches are only as good as their players. Phil Jackson was a great basketball coach. He won 11 NBA Championships. Six of those were with the Chicago Bulls and a guy named Michael Jordan. Five were with the Los Angeles Lakers and Kobe Bryant. In the delivery room, I was coaching my wife who outperformed Michael and Kobe on their best days.

Michael Jordan = MJ. Mary Jane = MJ.
Coincidence? I think not.

Since the birth, we’ve spent no less than 12 waking hours per day just watching the baby. Everything she does is cute. Open and close her hands? Cute. Stretch her arms over her head? Cute. Yawn? Cute. Burp? Cute. Fart? Super cute.

All babies have undeveloped motor skills, so their movements are very herky jerky. Susan lays there and flails her arms and legs at random, which is also cute but keeps our dog, Oscar, on edge at all times.

You know who else has undeveloped motor skills? Her father at 3 a.m. I woke up to feed her two nights ago and BOTH my arms were asleep. After trying and failing to push myself out of bed, I eventually rocked myself back and forth into a seated position. I whipped my torso around, and my arms flopped along like Bernie Lomax. After doing what I can only describe as a human helicopter, the feeling finally returned. Only then was I able to pick up my baby daughter. I was still 75% asleep at that point, so it got even more out of hand when I ended stumbling into the bathroom with Susan for meal time instead of her nursery. The unforgiving chill of the porcelain toilet on my legs (as opposed to the plush warmth of the glider) snapped me out of my daze in time to avoid feeding her a bottle of hand soap.

Weekend at Bernies 3 is currently in production every night at our house.

So now we’re parents. Susan is an angel. I’m not sure at what point everything goes to hell and she becomes a screaming banshee all night long, but she’s taken it pretty easy on us so far. We’re getting settled into our routine, and while Susan throws us a curveball every now and then, we feel like we’ve gotten the basics down. I know it’s early, but parenthood hasn’t been the terrible “say goodbye to your free time” and “have fun while you still can” scenarios that some people will have you believe. Susan IS fun, and we’d rather spend our free time playing with her.

Husband: March Madness

It’s March, which means its basketball tournament time and for those of us working in college athletics, it means a whole lot more work.

On the homefront, however, we’re having our own version of March Madness. My wife, she of the 38-week and one-day-old infant in her womb, is looking for signs of labor. Any sign of labor…anything that could even be construed as labor because she wants that baby out of her right now. She can’t sleep. She can’t get comfortable. She can’t bend over to tie her shoes. What she can do is balance things on her belly, which she now refers to as “the shelf,” but I know she’d gladly trade that party trick for a baby. Madness is an appropriate word because I’m watching her slowly descend into said Madness trying to figure out if she’s in labor or just having another false alarm.

So the past few weeks for us have been mostly Labor Watch 2012. There are seven main signs of labor, and Mary has experienced six of those. She’s had a major uptick in Braxton Hicks contractions, some of which are pretty intense. She’s 1 cm dilated and 50+ percent effaced. The baby has “dropped,” meaning Susan has settled down into Mary’s pelvis and is forcing her to adopt the pregnancy waddle. We already talked about Mary’s nesting, and we WON’T talk about the thing called a mucus plug which looks exactly like what you think it looks like. If her water breaks, she wins pregnancy BINGO and an all-expenses-paid trip to the maternity ward.

PREGNANCY BINGO!
Baby Kicks	Discharge!	I want pickles	Wake up at 2 a.m. …every night	New maternity wardrobe
Swollen feet	Mucus Plug	So tired I can’t move	Nesting	Mood swings
Baby Kicks	Dilated!	Water Breaks! (WINNER!!)	I feel fat.	Gassy
GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT	Braxton Hicks contractions	Waddling	Can’t tie my shoes anymore	Baby stabbing vagina with a knife
Baby Punches	Crying at nothing	Constipated	Severe morning sickness	Effacement

For a first-time mom, it’s gotta be very nerve-wracking trying to figure out what is labor and what is not. Every new twinge in her stomach could be a sign. Oh, three contractions in a row? Is it labor? You feel like you’re going to puke? That’s new. Is it Labor?? You’re leaking something? Describe it to me! GROSS! That's gotta be labor!!??

In related news, I saw two groundhogs hanging out on the side of the road on Monday (true story). One (who I’ve named Punxsutawney Bill, the Patron Groundhog of Labor) ran across the road in front of my car. Assured it was a sign that he made it across safely, I expect labor any day now.

In Punxsutawney Bill we trust.

Every time we go see the doctor, we’re both secretly wishing that the doc will pop out from between my wife’s legs and say, “Well, look at that! You’re like 8 centimeters dilated! I can’t believe you haven’t felt that yet! You must have had the most painless labor ever! Eight centimeters, wow! You’re like a pregnancy miracle! Let’s get you right over to the hospital so we can have that baby right NOW! And before you go, here’s a trophy, your $5,000 baby delivery award and a NEW CAR!!!” 

You'll get a baby...and a NEEEEEEEEEW CAR!!!!

According to doctors, nobody knows what causes labor. In all the years that humans have been pushing out babies, NOBODY has been able to figure out what sparks the process. According to the highly trained research team at FunTrivia.com, an average of 133 million babies are born each year. That’s 247 births EVERY minute, at least half of those fathered by Travis Henry alone. All the OBGYNs in the world can’t find one factor that those women had in common and say, “Yes, that, that right there is what caused her to go into labor.”

So since we both want Mary Jane to go into labor like right now, and since we can’t find any definitive answers as to how to get that train a-runnin’, we’re trying every possible method we come across. Every wives’ tale out there, we’re giving it a shot (except castor oil, gross): raspberry leaf tea, long walks, sex, evening primrose oil, spicy food, sex, massage, pineapple, oregano, bouncing on the exercise ball, sex, sweeping the membranes, visualization and sex. Of course, we have two weeks to go until the actual due date, so the doctors won’t induce Mary yet because of “medical risks” or something.

Tonight, at the suggestion of one of my friends at work, we ate a massive vat of eggplant parmesan. No labor yet, but based on these testimonials, we’re hopeful.

Not in the pregnancy books, but you can't argue with the results.

All this aside, we both realize that we’ve been so blessed to have a complication-free pregnancy. But COME ON SUSAN. It’s been 38+ weeks! What else can there possibly be to do in there?

Surely, one of these methods HAS to work. My only hope is that when she comes out, she doesn’t see her shadow and jump back in.

Wife: FULL TERM!

Today, Susan is 37 weeks and considered full term, even though there are still three more weeks until my due date.  So in my opinion, she is more then welcome to come at any time.  I don't think she will come this week, but I do think it is possible for her to come sometime next week, especially toward the end of the week.  FINGERS CROSSED.

This part is pretty yucky.  I am so uncomfortable and miserable.  And I only get more uncomfortable every day as she gets bigger.  About two and half weeks ago, she "dropped." This means her head sank lower into my pelvis.  So now my pubic bone is killing me, my hips hurt and I have that unmistakeable late-pregnancy waddle.

 And since last Sunday, I can no longer sleep..  I have to go to the bathroom at least every hour, if not sooner.  I have to sleep on my side, and my left side is the preferable side.  But when my hips start hurting, I turn to my right side.  But that is not as comfortable, so I usually just doze on my right side until I think my hips can handle the left again.  And then almost every single night, without fail, I wake up at 2:30 and cannot go back to sleep.  My mind starts racing with all kinds of thoughts and anxiety, all having to do with Susan.  Last night it happened.  I laid in bed until 3:30, got up and read my book for about an hour until I got sleepy and went back to sleep from about 4:45 to 6:45.  It was awful.  And it is every night.  I tried staying up later to see if that helped, and it didn't.  And the thing is, this is apparently very normal for the last few weeks in pregnancy.  The books joke about how it is preparing me for the sleep deprivation to come!  UM, shouldn't I be getting tons of sleep now so that I can be better rested?  That makes a lot more sense to me.  Sadly, after almost a week and a half of this, I am getting used to it.  I guess that is a good thing.

So how have I been passing the time?  As Chris explained in his last blog post, I have been nesting.  But now, I have run out of things to do!  I don't feel like watching TV, even though I have a DVR full of things to watch.  I mostly just want to stay busy, because I feel like time goes by faster if I am doing stuff.  So we finished the nursery, putting together all of her things, and we have packed our hospital bags.  I have included all the pictures of the nursery at the end of the post.  I have done laundry, cleaned, cooked and its just getting harder to find stuff to do.  These last three weeks seem like the longest ever.

It isn't just that I want her to come so I don't have to be pregnant anymore (but that is part of  it).  We are just so ready to meet her!  So far, we have waited 37 weeks.  I want to feed her and change her diaper and play with her and cuddle her and watch her sleep.  I am ready for the next part!  So not only are my fingers crossed that she comes sometime next week, but I am doing all I can to help her along.

Now, all the books and websites say that nothing has really been proven to induce labor.  I will go into labor when my body and baby are ready.  SO SICK OF HEARING THAT IT MAKES ME WANT TO GAG!  I know that!  But it doesn't mean I can't try to help things along.  I can be proactive.  Nothing I am doing is hurting her, it is all doctor approved and it could help!  So I have been taking nice, long walks almost everyday.  I bring Oscar along so we can make it a family thing.  The walking helps lower her further into the pelvis and get her into a better position.  The same is true for the yoga/exercise/birthing ball.  I typically bounce and rotate my hips on that for about an hour a day.  I added that on Sunday.  Other things that can help prepare my cervix for labor and sometimes cause contractions:  pineapple, evening primrose oil and sex.  Check, check and check.  As far as the last one goes,  I told Chris that it was a great way to bookend the pregnancy.  We did it a lot to get pregnant; now we are doing it a lot to get un-pregnant.  So while I realize Susan will come on her on time regardless of whether Chris and I are doing it six times a day while bouncing on the birthing ball, I at least feel as though I am being proactive.  And having fun too!

So I am partly doing all of these things so that I can start getting comfortable again and start feeling like me.  But I am mostly doing it so that I can meet my daughter!  I mean, I already feel like I know her really well since she has been sharing my body for the last nine months.  But I want to hold her hand and give her kisses and cuddle her. And I am doing everything so I can do all those things sooner rather than later!

Check out the nursery below - it is pretty awesome!

Entrance into the nursery.

Glider and dresser - view from the doorway.

Changing table.  Also, our second nursery project - framed children's book covers!

We are both huge readers and we wanted to pass our love for reading onto Susan.  We love how sweet this turned out!

Glider.  It is also swivels and reclines!  For rocking, feeding, reading and cuddling!

Susan's dresser - filled with all of her clothes that I have organized and folded several times.

Susan's bookshelf for all of her toys and books!

Crib and bookshelf!  So happy with how everything turned out!

Second view

Susan's closet!  Everything has been washed and ironed.  And we have stockpiled a pretty good selection of diapers!

Chris' great aunt gave us a huge box of bows that she made for Christmas.  Susan is set!

More bows!  These are a little bigger for when she is older!

Husband: Nesting, Contractions and AJ Burnett

It’s been almost a month since I last blogged. A lot has happened. There was the Great Fall of 2012, the three-hour stay in the hospital, our first “HOLY CRAP BABY IS COMING NOW” scare, a couple baby showers and lots of baby gadgets that are now assembled. The curtains in the nursery have been hung, her swing is built and we finally got a lamp in the nursery, meaning that Susan’s room is now officially finished and ready for her to move in.

Mary is now nine months pregnant. She’s having contractions like crazy (“Like Crazy” is medically defined as “a shitload”). The doctors, several of them since we’ve been to about 72 unscheduled appointments in the past two weeks, all say that they aren’t real contractions, only practice contractions. Her entire belly gets as hard as a rock for about 20-30 seconds, sometimes accompanied by a shooting pain that Mary describes sometimes as “pressure” and other times as “MAN this hurts.”

The doctors, of which we’ve seen at least four recently, told us those contractions are Mary’s body’s way of preparing itself to give birth. Her uterus has to warm up before real labor like Mariano Rivera has to warm up before he cleans up the mess that A.J. Burnett left behind in the ninth inning. The only problem is that Mariano has been bailing out the Yankees for over a decade, and my wife’s uterus is just now getting started. It’s obviously new at this because the contractions are all over the place in timing and intensity, and not much is getting done. “Inefficient” is the word they’ve been using. Maybe it’s more like Burnett than Rivera after all.

If Mary's uterus had a face right now.

We have another appointment on Thursday, and Mary has sworn that if she’s not dilated yet and these contractions have been for nothing, she’s going to go Pregzilla on anything in her path. I feel her pain (figuratively, not literally) because the waiting has been brutal. We both want Susan to hurry up and get here, but we’re now at the mercy of our unborn daughter as to when she wants to make her debut. She’s not even here yet and is already treating us like her pawns.

Your move, baby.

Mary has recently started passing the time by cleaning the house and organizing Susan’s room over and over again. I woke up one morning to find her folding sheets in the upstairs linen closet…at 6 AM...on a Tuesday. I thought that was strange, but was still waking up so I didn’t inquire. Thirty minutes later when she didn’t come downstairs, I went up there to find her folding Susan’s clothes…clothes that were already folded. She had a huge smile on her face and was moving around like Speedy Gonzales on speed. The ensuing conversation went something like this:

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Folding her clothes!” she said.

“It's 6:30 morning?” I said.

“Yeah, come look! Ok so I was thinking this would be her coming-home outfit…and this one she can wear in the hospital…and this one would be so cute at the beach…and THIS one, awwww SO cute. So I have her little onesies here in this drawer organized by color and material. And then HERE are her socks…these are like newborn socks, and she probably won’t fit into these, so I put them on this side…but THESE will be great! I don’t want her little feet to get cold. And then the hats are up here – which one do you like the best? I think this one’s my favorite. Oh and I organized her closet. Come look – her summer outfits are on the left…”

…and so on. In my first 30 minutes that morning, I drank half a cup of coffee and read three paragraphs of the sports page. My wife, who apparently launched herself out of bed at 4 a.m. like Usain Bolt out of the starting block, had already organized and re-organized the entire nursery running on nothing but pregnancy hormones.

Pregnancy: The ultimate PED.

Come to find out, there’s something called the “nesting instinct” that most pregnant women experience at various stages of pregnancy. I consulted the internet, and it had this to say:

At the end of pregnancy, the "nesting" instinct can set in. This is an uncontrollable urge to clean one's house brought on by a desire to prepare a nest for the new baby, to tie up loose ends of old projects and to organize your world. Females of the animal kingdom are all equipped with this same need. It is a primal instinct. Just as you see birds making their nests, mothers-to-be do exactly the same thing.

The cause of the nesting instinct is both physical and emotional. A woman’s hormones during pregnancy are responsible for the most of the nesting instinct, and residual survival instinct is responsible for the rest. The nesting instinct can be observed in all pregnant mammals as they prepare for birth.

Source: The Internet

After watching my wife labor up stairs for eight months and fall asleep before 9 p.m. every night, I thought nesting had bypassed her this time around. Not the case. Since the first morning of nesting a week ago, she’s spent more time in the nursery than any other room in the house. She washed every single piece of clothing that Susan has and has sterilized all of her bottles twice. I’ve helped out a bit, but she hasn’t asked me to do any of this because I think she enjoys it that much. I feel like I should be doing something, but I usually end up just standing there while she folds and irons tiny dresses.

Wife: Epic Fall (Fail)

I should have known yesterday morning when I gave myself a huge paper cut opening my new box of contacts what the day was going to be like.  Instead of going about my regular day, I should have just gotten back in bed, closed my eyes, and waited for the day to be over.  But no, I missed the signs and instead, continued about my business.

All that was missing was one of these.

Chris was not feeling well.  He woke up feeling nauseous and sick.  But we had a doctor's appointment with a doctor he hadn't met yet, so he was bound and determined to go with me.  When we got to the doctor's office, he turned completely white and made a beeline for the bathroom.  I headed back to deposit my sample.  For those of you who don't know, when you are pregnant, you begin every doctor's appointment by peeing in a cup.  Anyway, after I finished, I saw Chris.  He said he didn't get sick but really wanted to.  He looked like death. 

The nurse came and called us back.  We went to weigh and then to see the doctor.  I was still measuring about a week ahead and Susan's heartrate sounded great.  She was head down (I knew that because when she hiccups, my butt vibrates) and was doing great.  Dr. Andrews remembered seeing us on Tuesday night touring the Birth Place at Durham Regional.  He asked us if we enjoyed the tour and we told him we did.  For me, it still did not feel "real."  For Chris, I think seeing the labor and delivery rooms and the mother/baby rooms made it feel a lot more real for him.  We did enjoy the tour and it was good to see where everything was and how it would go.

After the appointment, Chris went home, where he promptly threw up and then laid down to try to recover.  My plan was to work until three and then come home to nurse him.  I would have taken the whole day to do that, but alas, my office book club was meeting that day.  So I went to work.  The morning was fairly normal without any big issues.

At 12:30, the members of OADLOER (Office of the Appellate Defender League of Extraordinary Readers) gathered to walk from our office to Mellow Mushroom.  I was wearing one of my standard maternity outfits with shoes that are cute but admittedly not really "made for walking."  The walk began fairly normal.  The pavement of this part of the American Tobacco Campus is very uneven.  Also, I cannot see my feet or where I am walking anymore.  To top it off, pregnant women are clutzy and have completely lost their sense of equillibrium at this point in pregnancy.  All of this is true for me.  I wobble a little bit now and drop things all the time.  However, none of my previous clutzy experiences prepared me for what happened next. 

I may as well have been walking on this.

As we were walking on the concrete sidewalk, I tripped.  I thought I could catch myself but because my weight is so unevenly distributed, I couldn't. So as I began my elegant, graceful swan dive toward the concrete, I instinctively turned  toward my right side to protect Susan.  It was like somehow I knew to try not to fall directly on her.  As I hit the ground, I landed on my right side.  So my shoulder and right arm took most of the fall.  Then, I sort of rolled onto my back and my left shoe came flying off.  As I said, it was very graceful.  So after I landed, I slowly sat up and my friends were trying very hard to keep me calm.  I didn't get up right away but just sort of sat there dazed on the sidewalk thinking, "I cannot believe I just fell."  Actually, there were expletives running through my head, but this is a family friendly blog.

I didn't think I landed on Susan but I wasn't sure.  So my friends sat there with me while we waited to see if I wanted to get up.  Right away my shoulder hurt and my arm was kind of tingly.  Jon, who used to be a fireman before turning attorney, came up from the restaurant to assist and assess.  My injuries were not life threatening, but we decided to walk to the restaurant and call my doctor just to be safe. 

While on the phone with the doctors, I was doing a pretty good job of staying calm.  My friends were reminding me to breathe deep and drink water and trying to reassure me that things were okay and that Susan was okay.  But I hadn't felt her move since the fall, and she is super active so that made me really nervous.  Finally, the nurse picked up and I explained what happened.  At first, she told me to eat and drink something and see what happens.  But the she said she wanted to double check with the doctor.  When she came back, she said that the doctor wanted me to go to labor and delivery at Durham Regional to get hooked up to the monitors to make sure everything was okay.  As she was saying that, I sort of began to lose it...nothing like a pregant weeping woman at Mellow Mushroom.  So I told my friends what the doctor wanted and Jon, who also used to drive the ambulance when the paramedics were occupied, went to get his car. 

I started crying and tried to call Chris.  My friends were doing their very best to reassure me that this was just routine and everything was fine.  Of course, because my poor sick husband was at home, he was sleeping and trying to recover so he didn't answer his phone after the first couple of tries.  So then he called me back but I wasn't really able to get words out.  So I gave the phone to my friend Jonathan who told Chris what happened and that Jon was taking me to the hospital and to meet us there. 

We got to the ER (where we are supposed to go if we are in labor) and they called for a transport right away.  Chris walked in a few minutes after I got there looking kind of like a ghost and very out of breath.  I thought he was going to pass out.  Apparently he had run from his car to the ER.  Once we got up to L&D, they immediately took me to a room, and gave me a gown.  After I got changed, my very friendly and kind nurse Jennifer came in to hook me up to the monitors.  She strapped on the fetal heartrate monitor and after two tries, she found Susan's heartbeat.  It was beating super strong at 140 bpm, which is what she was beating that morning at the doctor's office.  Then she hooked up the contraction monitor because I had been having some very strong Braxton Hicks contractions.  The doctor came in next to check out my arm to see how it was doing.  The heartrate was still good, but I was still having frequent contractions. They were never painful, just a lot of pressure.  The doctor then did a quick exam and determined that I wasn't going into labor.  So they decided to give me some IV fluids to hydrate me and see if we could get them under control.  All the while, Susan's little heartbeat was just beating along.  And she was moving and wiggling again like normal.  That is what made me feel a lot better, just knowing that she was okay. 

So they monitored me for about two and half hours and my contractions lessened by the time they gave me the second IV bag.  But then my right forearm really started hurting.  Since Susan was okay and the contractions were much better, they decided to send me to the ER to be checked out.  So I was wheeled down to the ER (in my hospital gown) and put in a very not-as-nice cubicle to wait on someone to come look at my arm.  We waited for about 30 minutes and then the PA came to check me out.  He determined that my arm was likely not broken, just very bruised and swollen.  He told me what to do (ice and rest) and said if it did not improve, then to come back and get x-rays.  So we were discharged around 7 and after stopping for some much deserved Cook Out (I never got to eat my BLT from Mellow Mushroom), we went home. 

This almost made the entire trip worth it. Almost.

Today, my arm feels better.  Last night, I really couldn't use it at all but today I have been able to use it.  It is still sore and I have been icing it, but its definitely better.  If it isn't better by Monday, then I am going to go see my doctor and discuss some X-rays.  And Susan is great.  I was so worried that the fall might cause less fetal movement or some kind of change from how she acted pre-fall.  Well apparently, it did not upset her at all.  She has been the same active kiddo she was before all of this.  She has been moving all day long just like normal and hiccuping too.  I took the day off so that I could rest and recover.  Since Chris was still feeling pretty crappy, he stayed home too.  So my mom came to nurse us and take care of us.

It has definitely been an exciting 24 hours.  I was telling Chris this afternoon that at least now we know exactly what to do and where to go when the real thing happens.  But I am just so relieved the real thing wasn't yesterday.  I know she would have been fine if she had come that early but I really don't want her to come until she is 37 weeks.  That is when she is full term.  So in 2.5 weeks, she can make her debut but until then, she needs to cook a little longer.  Plus, we still have a few things to finish up.  Like watching our baby care videos and putting together a few last minute items. Then we will be all ready for her big day!

Wife: An Open Letter to My Husband

Dear Chris,

I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you and to share with everyone how truly amazing you are.

Thank you for making me feel sexy even though I can no longer see my feet. When I feel puffy, fat, gassy and can't get up on my own, you still look at me like you are seeing me for the first time. You have no idea how wonderful that makes me feel.

Thank you for telling me I am not lazy, even though I feel like it. When I cannot bend down to pick up my shoes, or my pajama pants in the morning, you hand them to me. You have never sighed or looked at me like I am a sorry excuse for a person.

When I huff and puff up the stairs to the nursery, you always walk behind me to make sure you can catch me should I start to fall. Thank you.

Thank you for being my source of emotional support. I am sure that you feel anxiety about how our lives are about to change, but so far you have stayed cool, calm and collected. Meanwhile, I have had a couple of anxiety attacks and middle of the night breakdowns. Both times, you have calmed me down, hugged me, and told me that we are going to be just fine. And because I am doing this with you, I believe you. You really are my best partner.

Thank you for not looking at me like I am a fatty when I order both a side of hush puppies and french fries with my Cook Out order. And for not ordering a side salad with yours!

Thank you for getting up with me when I can't sleep at night. Insomnia is terrible, but it is even worse alone. Watching the Smurfs and Snorks with you at 3 a.m. when I can't sleep means a lot.

Thank you for rubbing my back every night. All day long, my back feels awful and I cannot get any relief. And every night, you rub and massage out all the pain so that I can feel better and get comfortable.

Thank you for making me laugh. Even before the pregnancy, you were always the person who could make me laugh like no one else. And now, with everything going on, you make me laugh harder than before. All of our jokes and special moments mean so much to me.

Thank you for actually reading the Expectant Father books and the Baby Prep books. Thank you for reminding me to take my prenatal vitamins and fish oil every day. Thank you for reminding me of all the things we can do to help make labor easier. I am so glad you are going to be in the room with me--by my head at all times, eyes on me! Hopefully, knowing the two us, we might even find time to make a lighthearted moment.

When I put my number in your phone 8 years ago at Beth's deb ball, and you asked me to dance, I could never have foreseen where we would be now. Not even two years later, when we finally started dating. You are my very best friend and I have loved every moment of our life together so far. And I know we are about to start a new adventure. And together, I know we can do it!

Thank you for being so wonderful and supportive these last eight months. Only six weeks to go!

Love, Honey 2

Husband: Labor Up

As Mary Jane mentioned in her last awesome post, we took an eight-hour “Prepared Childbirth” class last weekend. Thanks to our heavily accented instructor, Ho-Yu, we both feel a lot more confident heading into the big day which is now less than two months away. I was able to pick up on about 75% of what Ho-Yu taught us, which is pretty good considering Chinese-infused English is not my first language.

The class was geared pretty evenly toward moms and dads, which was great because I went in there thinking it would be mostly female sex ed. part 2 (I missed part one anyway). That was not the case. We all learned what would happen to the woman’s body, and Ho-Yu taught all the men some stress relief techniques to alleviate the rigors your wife will go through (breathing, massage, positioning, etc.). It was a relatively young group attending, and even though she repeatedly used words like “perineum,” “uterus” and “rectum,” none of the men giggled. Everyone was pretty mature, except for this one guy who kept joking, “Man, this labor thing is gonna be a breeze!” I fully expected Ho-Yu to deliver a swift crane kick to his genitals after the fourth or fifth time, but she instead displayed her Miyagi-like calm and just shot him a dirty look. He quieted down immediately.

What I took away from the class was that as the husband and “labor coach,” I am extremely useful in comforting my wife physically and emotionally. Once labor begins, I’m basically a glorified piece of furniture for half of the labor and a very amateur massage therapist for the other half. MJ can lean on me in a variety of different positions to relieve her back pain, or I can massage her to relieve some of the stress. I’m like something out of Brookstone that gets you pregnant.

MJ couldn't afford the $6,000 price tag on this bad boy, so she had to settle for me.

Most of the class went off without a hitch. We learned about contractions and what they do, drugs and what they do, and husbands and what they shouldn’t do. I’ve obviously never been through labor, nor have I ever had the desire to ask my mother to describe it to me, so hearing about the different stages and what to expect during each one was very helpful for both of us. All of that was extremely helpful, and it alleviated a lot of our (now seen as irrational) fears regarding labor and childbirth.

And then, there was the video. You know how some couples bring a video camera into the delivery room to capture that magical moment when their son or daughter is born? While we certainly won’t be starting off our baby scrapbook that way, I can understand why a new mother and father would want to get the first seconds of their new baby’s life on camera. But I can’t for the life of me figure out why a woman, in her most vulnerable state, would allow THREE CAMERAS to follow her around during the entire labor process, capture the birth of her first child from EVERY ANGLE and then package that footage and distribute it across the entire country so that 25 years later, expectant parents can watch said woman deliver and immediately say, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Now streaming on ESPN3: Your womanhood.

There are just some things you can’t unsee. Not that the “miracle of childbirth” isn’t as beautiful as people say it is, but, well…it’s not. At least not when it’s some random woman you’ve never met, who is naked and screaming and looks like she’s about to die. This lady was also kind enough to go back later and record a cheery play-by-play of the entire event, which provided a descriptive soundtrack to the 10-minute long labor montage. I thank the good Lord that the footage was a VHS on a 20-inch TV and not on a Blu-Ray HD flat-screen TV with mega ultra Dolby Surround Sound 3.0.

Before I’m pegged as the “insensitive husband” who doesn’t see the beauty in bringing a new life into the world, I want it to be known that there was a collective groan from the ENTIRE class during that portion, my wife included. I’d also like it to be known that Ho-Yu conveniently left during that segment, probably waiting 10 more seconds after she heard us all say "OHHHHHH" as her cue to return and resume the lesson. And she is a DELIVERY NURSE.

Now on the flipside of that, I have to give the 1985 video woman props for not only pushing out that baby, but for doing it under such circumstances. The first thing that popped into my head when writing this was to use the phrase, “she manned up,” but after seeing the video, that phrase doesn’t seem to apply anymore. There is no way that any man – not even Die-Hard era Bruce Willis – could deliver a full-term infant. From now on, I think we should all adopt the phrase “labor up” wherever “man up” formerly applied.

Yippee KI-YAY MotherFu—OW OW OW GIVE ME THE EPIDURAL!!!

I’ve known all along that it takes one hell of a tough person to give birth to a child, but actually seeing it gave me newfound respect for my mother, mother-in-law, grandmothers, and every other woman I’ve ever met. I will freely admit that it's not something I could ever do. For any guys reading this who think it's not that bad, try to make it through the video first.