Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Husband: Holiday Gift Guide

Finally, after listening to Christmas music since the day after Thanksgiving, it actually IS beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Our house has been fully decked out in Christmas gear since the first weekend in December. Mary Jane is a mega bit of a Christmas nut, so we've been in Christmas mode since the first day it was socially acceptable to deck the halls.

We've gotten all of the light stringing, garland hanging and tree assembling out of the way. We even got all of our gift shopping out of the way. Still, I know there are a lot of people who are still shopping for their pregnant wives, and I thought I'd offer a little help.

For the record, I bought Mary Jane a new dishwasher. Before you say how sexist that is, she bought me an oven in return. And at least I didn't get her some of these things.

Fitness equipment

If you’re stupid enough to get your wife unrequested fitness equipment, you get a big fat F in husbanding. If you’re stupid enough to get your PREGNANT wife fitness equipment, you probably won’t have a wife to shop for much longer.
Verdict: NO.

Pregnancy pillow

This looks like something the StayPuft Marshmallow Man pinched off after a bad burrito. Despite that, it's great. So long as you know that this will eventually take your side of the bed during the third trimester when you’re banished to the couch.
Verdict: Yes.

This t-shirt

This is perfect if you want to get shot. The pregnant woman would be cleared on all charges. 
Verdict: I'm surprised that a person who obviously has no experience with pregnant women is, in fact, making t-shirts for pregnant women. NO.

 Belly cast kit 

Can you say new centerpiece!
Verdict: NO, although you'll need something wife-shaped to snuggle with after she boots you to the couch.

Dr. Watters Maternity Air Bed

Believe it or not, this is marketed for pregnant women...but I find it hard to believe that the pregnant wife will be the one sleeping on this after she opens her new belly cast kit on Christmas day.
Verdict: NO.

Pregnancy lingerie

Yes, I did Google image “pregnancy lingerie” and felt dirty. 
Verdict: Yes...but let's get real here. A husband getting a wife lingerie is like getting her a bowling ball. He's going to get a whole lot more out of it than she is.

"Pregzilla" coffee mug

Giving your wife a nickname with "zilla" at the end is bad news. This must have been made by the t-shirt guy because the rest of it says "Feed the Beast."
Verdict: NO. Unless you want to see an actual Pregzilla. 
Pregnancy belly painting kit

When you just can’t wait for Easter to get here.
Verdict: NO. Save the finger painting for the kid.

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