Friday, August 31, 2012

Dad: No, we are not hippies

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What if I told you that for the next five months, you were going to eat the exact same thing for breakfast, lunch and dinner? What if I told you that every single one of those meals would come from a bottle? Unless your name is Charlie Sheen and your drink of choice is Tiger Blood, you’d probably tell me to go away. Well, since Susan can’t form words and has yet to master the Heisman stiff arm, she hasn’t really had much of a choice when it comes to what we feed her.

For the first five months of her short life, every one of Susan’s meals has consisted of formula in a bottle. Because that’s all she really knows, she hasn’t gotten tired of it (yet). In fact, every time she sees the bottle, she opens her mouth and lunges for it like Gollum biting into a nice, juicy, live fish. If we don’t give Susan the bottle immediately, she freaks out and starts crying. That’s led to a lot of panicked “OMG JUST THROW THE BOTTLE IN THE MICROWAVE AND SCREW THE BOTTLE WARMER AND THOSE DAMN SCIENTISTS WITH THEIR RESEARCH AND CONCLUSIONS” moments on mom and dad’s part. 

Like this, but cuter.
Nine ounces of formula four times a day was Susan’s only source of food for those first five months. Whatever’s in it is obviously working because at the doctor’s office last week, she checked in at a solid 19 lbs. and 27 inches long. The problem is that four 9 oz. bottles aren’t keeping her full anymore. So on her five-month birthday about two weeks ago, MJ and I decided to feed her her first dose of solid foods. We were wary at first if it was the right time to give it to her, if she was ready, if it would increase the risk of allergies, and all the other uncertainties that come along with EVERY DECISION YOU WILL EVER MAKE FOR YOUR CHILD. Luckily, it turns out we were right this time. Not since Steven Segal discovered all-you-can-eat buffets in the late 90’s has a human being taken to food so well.

We made the decision before Susan was born to make her food ourselves instead of feeding her the jarred stuff from the store. No, we are not hippies who cultivate our own organic vegetables in the back yard and then hawk them at the farmer’s market to the other semi-hippies who for two hours every Saturday morning walk around and squeeze squash and zucchini like they know what a ripe squash or zucchini actually feels like. (We are actually the latter). In actuality, we wanted to make her food ourselves because a) it’s cheaper; b) it’s more nutritious; and c) it’s a hell of a lot of fun (and therapeutic) to throw something in the Baby Bullet and just grind the shit out of it until it’s so pulverized that you can suck it through a straw.
So far, Susan’s eaten bananas (good), peas (not so good) and pears (jury is still out). You would think by how she lunges for the bananas that they were liquid gold. Remember Gollum and the fish? That’s Susan and bananas, too. The peas, however, are a different story. Let’s recap: bananas = sweet. Plain peas = flavorless mush. Have you ever seen a frozen pea smoothie? You probably won’t. Ever. Who would want to eat this?

It looks like garbage juice. And the bubble is a nice touch.

Here’s a picture of Susan eating peas. 

These are NOT bananas.
 And here’s a video of Susan voicing her displeasure in regards to eating said peas.

And here's Susan eating bananas like it's the last meal she'll ever have.

Still trying to teach her that snorting the food up your nose is
not an acceptable way to eat at the table.

Next up is squash. It's yellow like bananas, so maybe we can trick her into thinking it's actually good. We just have to pick out a good one from the farmer's market on Saturday, or at least pretend like we know what a good squash feels like.

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