Mom: Essential Items Part 2

In my opinion, researching your baby products before you buy them is critical. Just because that swing or gadget looks fun to you, the adult who doesn't actually ride/play with it, doesn't mean it's fun for your baby.  I learned a long time ago the importance of reading customer reviews online.  So when it came time to create our baby registry, Chris and I read parent reviews of all of our selections (except one - and based on a previous blog post, I bet you can guess which product we forgot to review).

So, this post is tilted toward the big ticket items - all of the big baby gear.  First, I would highly recommend the Fisher Price Snug-A-Bunny swing.  Susan loved it!  However, at about 3.5 months of age, when she started doing crunches every time someone laid her on her back, the swing was done.  There are other swings, like the one that my parents bought secondhand, that are more conducive for older babies because they are more upright.  Susan couldn't use the one at my parents house until she was about 4.5 months old, but she can still swing in it now and loves to.  But I would still highly recommend this swing and, if you can find one that suits both newborns and older babies plus gets good reviews, then get that one.

Second, I would recommend the Fisher Price Rock and Play sleeper.  I know I spoke about it in an earlier post, but seriously, it only costs about $40 and YOU NEED ONE.  Trust me!  It is light, portable and a great place to put your newborn!  Susan slept in hers day and night for the first four weeks. We transititioned her to the crib at 4 weeks, but the rock and play was still essential after that.  We didn't put it up until later.  And we even brought it to the beach.  GET ONE!  (It is one of the most well-reviewed products I have ever seen).

Love it!

You can seriously take it anywhere!

We eventually bought two, one for upstairs and downstairs.

Next, I would recommend our travel system, or really any travel system.  We bought the Chicco Key Fit 35.  We bought it in pink (in hindsight, I wish we had bought gray or green but live and learn).  Gracco and Britax also make travel systems.  Travel systems are basically a carrier, a stroller and a car seat base.  You can order an extra base for your husband's car.  It is great because you simply put baby in the carrier and click the carrier into the base.  Once you reach your destination, you can unclick baby and click her into the stroller.  Or just carry her in the carrier.  You can use the carrier for babies up to 35 pounds. We stopped using ours a little sooner because Susan was outgrowing it in length.  She is a sturdy girl (99th perecent in height and weight).  But I would still recommend the system.  And even though we aren't using the carrier anymore, we love the stroller!  It is not too heavy for me, and it's very simple to open.

You can't tell, but she is snoozing on a picnic table at a rest area on the way to
Charleston while the rest of us ate lunch.

I can go anywhere, including Mama's office!

I would also recommend the BASIC Pack and Play.  We bought the $65 Gracco regular Pack 'n Play.  There are a lot of fancy pack-and-plays out there.  Feel free to buy one, but I wouldn't.  Susan used her Pack 'n Play in our bedroom for naps for a little while.  We put it up for a few months and have just gotten it back out to use as a corral pen because she is about to start crawling.

This is about to happen!

As far as high chairs go, we love our space saver high chair.  It fits into one of our kitchen chairs and doesn't take up any extra room in our kitchen.  Plus, it later converts to a booster seat. When we feed her at night, she gets to sit in her spot and eat while we eat our dinner.  It is great.  The tray is easy to clean, as is the chair cover.  And Susan really likes it.  Ours is a Fisher Price, I believe, but I know other brands make them.  Just be sure to read the reviews.

We have also bought a few big ticket toy items for Susan.  One we bought on eBay second hand.  It is the EvenFlo Exersaucer.  The original, not the new souped-up Exersaucer that is available now.  She loves it!  It is by far one of her favorite toys.  We don't let her spend too much time in it, but she does get to play some.  We also got the EvenFlo Jump-n-Go.  It is a doorway jumper and she gets such a kick out of it!  I would definitely recommend both of these products.

Fun times in my Exersaucer!

Just jumping around.  This has been great fun since we had to put the swing up.

I guess my biggest recommendation is to make sure you read customer reviews before you buy products or put them on your registry.  We didn't read the reviews of the Baby Bjorn.  We should have, because we ended up buying a Britax baby carrier.  Lesson learned.  Next time, I'll include my list of favorite smaller items.

Mom: Priorities

 On August 29,  my parents celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary.  In July, my in-laws celebrated 32 years together.  In October, my grandparents will celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary.

Chris and I have been married for 4.5 years, and we are so blessed to have these amazing marriages to model ours after.  Watching my mom and dad over the years, I truly learned what it meant to work at your marriage every day.  On our wedding day, my mother gave me really good advice.  She told me that if we each wake up every morning thinking and planning, "How can I make his/her day better," then we would be okay.  Putting the other spouse first every day is essential.

Also, essential to a strong marriage is putting each other first above your children.  Sounds radical right?  Especially in this day and age where parents' lives literally revolve around their children.  My parents were not like that, mostly because their parents weren't like that.  I remember the conversation I had with my mom about marriage.  I think I might have been a freshman in high school.  Maybe a friend's parents were getting divorced because I don't really remember why or how the topic came up.  But I remember my mom telling me that her relationship with my dad came first, before me and Philip.  Making time for each other and doing things together -  that was a priority.  Because like my mom said, without the two of them, there would be no family.  The marriage is the glue.  I remember knowing as I grew up that Philip and I came in second to the relationship my parents had with one another.  They went out on a date every single weekend for as long as I could remember.  When we moved to Florida, away from my grandparents/baby-sitters, they decided that I was old enough to babysit Philip for 2 hours while they went to Chili's and walked around Lowes.  (No one ever said a "date" had to be a huge event.)  I was 11.  They still go on a date every weekend.  And every year, they go away together.  Even if it's just for a quick weekend trip, they make a point to go somewhere, away from us, every year.  Just like they make a point to go on a family vacation, where there is a lot of family togetherness and bonding (serious about the bonding), every year.

This is probably an anomaly today.  But it was really important to me that we model our marriage after my parents.  I wanted a family and children with Chris, but not at the expense of our relationship.  I wanted Chris to still feel like Number 1 and wanted him to continue to treat me like the most important girl in his life (no offense kiddo).

So even before the 9 months of super fun pregnancy, we discussed the kind of marriage we envisioned after we had children. We talked about making sure that we continued to be the priority for the other.  Neither one of us wanted to let having a family and children mean sacrificing the relationship we have with each other.  We wanted to continue to go on dates and weekends away together.  Since we have been married, we have gone on dates most weekends (when Chris' work schedule will allow) and we have definitely gone away together every year, even this past year.  We went away before Susan, and we went away after Susan.  When Susan was 8 weeks old, we went to  a wedding in Rock Hill, SC and left Susan with my parents for two nights.  Not many parents (especially mothers) would do that, but we felt it was important for us to spend that time alone and away together.  We missed her like crazy, but it was so worth it.

Now, all of this is to say that Susan has definitely changed our relationship.  I have definitely learned the true meaning of partnership as we both have relied heavily on the other while she changes everyday.  And we have had some pretty big fights (we had some before Susan).  Accepting and acknowledging that Susan is a stress on our marriage doesn't mean that it's a bad stress.  But by acknowledging it, we have been able to actively work on how to still make each other feel really important. 

And not only do I believe it's important for us to treat each other like number 1, I think it's important for Susan to know that she does not have that much power.  I have seen parents whose lives revolve around their kids.  And it is not healthy for those kids to know that they have that kind of importance.  Call me old-fashioned, but I think that there is an important family hierarchy that should be respected, and I can remember my dad reminding me, "You are the child and I am the parent."  And yes, sometimes there will be sacrifice.  Chris and I won't always get to do exactly what we want to do, when we want to do it.  But we can still make the other person the number 1 priority, even if back-to-back dance recitals and soccer games keep us from date night that one particular weekend.  That just means the next weekend, instead of letting Susan have a sleepover, she gets a baby-sitter and we get to dine on Wild Wings and walk around Home Depot.

I love my daughter.  Words literally cannot describe how she has changed my life.  She has truly completed our little family in a way I cannot describe.  It is hard to remember our life before her.  But it is important that she does not become our whole life.  The two of us, dad and mom, wife and husband, are the glue that hold this little family together.  And I believe it is important to work everyday on making that glue stronger.

Dad: Helping Hands

You know those claw games in the store where you put in a dollar, try to win a stuffed animal and then get ripped off as the claw repeatedly (and purposely, I’m convinced) drops your SpongeBob doll back into the toy pit, even after you’ve meticulously maneuvered said claw into ideal SpongeBob-grasping position? Well, Susan has surpassed those in terms of motor skills as she can now hold onto things for more than two seconds. Unless, that is, we’re seated in a restaurant. If that’s the case she’s constantly (and purposely, I’m convinced) grabbing everything and dropping it all onto the floor, if for no other reason than to make us pick it up and give it back to her so she can repeat the process all over again. This has made eating out very difficult for us, and incredibly fun for her.

Ever since Susan has figured out that she has complete and total control of her hands, the girl will grab ANYTHING that’s in front of her, whether it’s her toys, MY toys, the dog’s toys or a hot cup of coffee. Of course everything ends up in the same place, as the next logical step for our baby (and all others) is to take whatever object she just grabbed and jam it directly into her mouth. So far, Susan has eaten newspaper, a permanent marker, the dog’s leg, her bib (which, in her defense, was covered in mashed bananas), my nose and, the wash cloth, and of course, her own feet. And that’s just what we’ve caught her eating. She's like a shark. Or a billy goat. Or our dog around goose poop.

It’s like our daughter has no sense of possession or personal belongings. It’s very selfish. Dad’s cup of coffee? That’s mine. The dog’s leg? That’s mine. Mom’s earring and the earlobe to which it was formerly attached? Mine. I’ve caught her eyeing my fingers and salivating over them the last few days, and I’m not really sure how to handle that.

I’m never really sure what she’s thinking, but I have a hunch that she’s just trying to help us accomplish whatever we’re trying to do with a given object. Except I don’t think she actually understands what we’re trying to do. For example:

“Dad, your Moe’s burrito looks delicious! Were you trying to throw it on the floor? Here, let me help.”

“Hey mom, your hair is beautiful! I’ll remove some for you.”

“Mom, you’re laughing really hard at your funny Janet Evanovich book. Here, let me rip out pages for you.”

“Wow guys, these mashed pears taste yummy, but do you know what would make them even better? If they were on dad’s work pants. Like this.”

And so on. At this point in our short careers as parents, things are drastically different than they were a month ago. Our responsibilities have gone from, at four months: feed baby, put baby to bed, don’t lose baby;

to, at five months: feed baby, put baby to bed, don’t lose baby, don’t let baby stab her own eye with a fork, don’t let baby get a hold of any part of your face, don’t let baby destroy things that belong to the library, protect the dog from baby's vice grip and fresh new razor tooth, and just generally, don’t take your eyes off the baby EVER.

You underestimate the sneakiness.

You might think, “Oh, she’s just a baby. You mean you can’t keep her from grabbing stuff? And why are you letting her get anywhere near your delicious steak Homewrecker?” And to that I say, she is like a freaking ninja. I’m not sure whose side of the family she gets it from, but I’m confident she could snatch a hummingbird mid-flight. And then probably eat it. 

Mom: Baby Stats at Five Months

A lot of parents who blog about their children include monthly baby stats. My friend Jennifer (See The Baker Family) is even doing weekly pregnancy stats. So I thought I should do this for Susan. She turned 5 months old on August 19, so these are her stats.

Weight: 19 pounds (99th percentile)
Height: 27 inches (97th percentile)
Next doctor's appointment: 9/21 at 6 months for check-up and more shots
Teeth: 2 (lower central incisors)
New Foods: pears, bananas, peas, squash - She is eating solids about 3 times a day, one serving at each sitting.
Bottle: 4 times a day, ranging from 6 to 8 oz now that she has started solids
Clothing Size: 6 to 9 months
Diaper Size:  Size 3 Diapers
Sleeping: 10 to 11 hours at night, 3 one to two hour naps a day - total about 15 hours a day.
Favorite Toys: "Elmerellie;" tag blanket; Sophie the Giraffe
Likes: Kisses, dancing on the countertops and floor, playing on the floor, playing in the Megasaucer, strolling, singing, bathtime, reading stories
Dislikes: She prefers standing to sitting.
Milestones: Susan is turning on her tummy and then rolling all over the room to get where she wants to go. She is trying to get up on all fours but mostly looks like she is air swimming. We are babyproofing over the holiday weekend. She has been babbling and talking for the last two months but now she is exploring her pitch and volume level with squealing.

Disclaimer: I got the idea to do her monthly pictures from another friend (This is Sesame).  I didn't get to start until 4 months when we bought the blocks.  But here is our girl on her Five Month Birthday!

So Big!

Dad: No, we are not hippies

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What if I told you that for the next five months, you were going to eat the exact same thing for breakfast, lunch and dinner? What if I told you that every single one of those meals would come from a bottle? Unless your name is Charlie Sheen and your drink of choice is Tiger Blood, you’d probably tell me to go away. Well, since Susan can’t form words and has yet to master the Heisman stiff arm, she hasn’t really had much of a choice when it comes to what we feed her.

For the first five months of her short life, every one of Susan’s meals has consisted of formula in a bottle. Because that’s all she really knows, she hasn’t gotten tired of it (yet). In fact, every time she sees the bottle, she opens her mouth and lunges for it like Gollum biting into a nice, juicy, live fish. If we don’t give Susan the bottle immediately, she freaks out and starts crying. That’s led to a lot of panicked “OMG JUST THROW THE BOTTLE IN THE MICROWAVE AND SCREW THE BOTTLE WARMER AND THOSE DAMN SCIENTISTS WITH THEIR RESEARCH AND CONCLUSIONS” moments on mom and dad’s part. 

Like this, but cuter.

Nine ounces of formula four times a day was Susan’s only source of food for those first five months. Whatever’s in it is obviously working because at the doctor’s office last week, she checked in at a solid 19 lbs. and 27 inches long. The problem is that four 9 oz. bottles aren’t keeping her full anymore. So on her five-month birthday about two weeks ago, MJ and I decided to feed her her first dose of solid foods. We were wary at first if it was the right time to give it to her, if she was ready, if it would increase the risk of allergies, and all the other uncertainties that come along with EVERY DECISION YOU WILL EVER MAKE FOR YOUR CHILD. Luckily, it turns out we were right this time. Not since Steven Segal discovered all-you-can-eat buffets in the late 90’s has a human being taken to food so well.

We made the decision before Susan was born to make her food ourselves instead of feeding her the jarred stuff from the store. No, we are not hippies who cultivate our own organic vegetables in the back yard and then hawk them at the farmer’s market to the other semi-hippies who for two hours every Saturday morning walk around and squeeze squash and zucchini like they know what a ripe squash or zucchini actually feels like. (We are actually the latter). In actuality, we wanted to make her food ourselves because a) it’s cheaper; b) it’s more nutritious; and c) it’s a hell of a lot of fun (and therapeutic) to throw something in the Baby Bullet and just grind the shit out of it until it’s so pulverized that you can suck it through a straw.

 

So far, Susan’s eaten bananas (good), peas (not so good) and pears (jury is still out). You would think by how she lunges for the bananas that they were liquid gold. Remember Gollum and the fish? That’s Susan and bananas, too. The peas, however, are a different story. Let’s recap: bananas = sweet. Plain peas = flavorless mush. Have you ever seen a frozen pea smoothie? You probably won’t. Ever. Who would want to eat this?

It looks like garbage juice. And the bubble is a nice touch.

Here’s a picture of Susan eating peas. 

These are NOT bananas.

 And here’s a video of Susan voicing her displeasure in regards to eating said peas.

And here's Susan eating bananas like it's the last meal she'll ever have.

Still trying to teach her that snorting the food up your nose is
not an acceptable way to eat at the table.

Next up is squash. It's yellow like bananas, so maybe we can trick her into thinking it's actually good. We just have to pick out a good one from the farmer's market on Saturday, or at least pretend like we know what a good squash feels like.

Mom: It's Hard Out Here for a Baby

A few years ago, there was a movie about a pimp who was struggling to make it as a recording artist.  I never saw the movie,although I do remember that Terrence Howard was nominated for an Oscar.  I also remember the song "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" by 3 6 Mafia (Sp?) won the Oscar for Best Song.  Now, I am sure that the song has a serious message, but the title has always struck me as funny.  So since the song's release, there have been various times in my life where "It's Hard Out Here for a 1L" or "It's Hard Out Here for a Pregnant Lady."  Well, as of late, it has definitely been "It's Hard Out Here for a Baby."

It is a tough life.

Many of you may be thinking, Gosh MJ, why has it taken you so long to post?  Your husband, the extremely talented and hilarious writer, has managed to write no less than THREE posts since y'all returned from Florida.  Well, Chris also failed to mention during his posts all the things that have taken place since that fateful afternoon at Target.

First, the day after we returned home from Florida, Susan woke up at 6 a.m. (a little early for her) due to an explosive poop.  This was weird because 1) she had almost always slept til 6:30 or 7 a.m. and 2) she really only ever pooped with her bottle.  What followed was a four-week long stomach bug.  The first week was actually the worst.  She pooped about 7 times a day.  That first week, we had to give her a little pedialyte to make sure she didn't get dehydrated because she even had a little diarrhea.  How did she seem?  Happy as a lark!  You wouldn't have known she had a stomach bug except for all of the extra poop.  By the second week, her poops had toned down but she got a MAJOR diaper rash.  We have always been really cognisant about slathering her with butt paste before all naps and  nigh time sleep.  And when the bug started, we slathered her with every diaper change.  It didn't matter.  By week 2, she had a pretty bad rash.  So bad that we had to put Lotrimin plus butt paste and let her play around on towels naked from the waste down.  We have some pretty adorable pictures.  The rash cleared up by her 4 month visit (which Chris chronicled in a previous post), and she had quit pooping quite so much.  But the early morning wake up poops did not clear up until Monday, July 30. Four weeks to the day that the bug started.

We were so excited!  Finally, it was over!  On Tuesday, I stayed home with her and worked from home.  It was Chris' first day back to work and my Dad was coming the next day to watch her for a week and a half.  That day, she secretly, ninja-style rolled over back-to-tummy twice.  I never saw her do it, but she did.  On Wednesday morning, before work, she showed her new trick to both of us.  And I looked at Chris and said "She is going to start doing that in the crib."  Oh yes.  On Wednesday, August 1, Susan became the back-to-tummy rolling champion.  She was a back sleeper.  That day, my poor Dad's first day baby-sitting, she slept maybe 30 minutes at each nap because she would roll to her tummy in her crib and was pretty ticked off about it.  It was like she couldn't control herself.  Now that she could roll over, she had to do it at all possible occasions.  And we didn't care if she slept on her tummy.  Once baby can roll, you can't really worry about "Back is Best" and SIDS as much because they are going to roll whether you like it or not.  But Susan was not loving tummy sleeping.  It didn't affect her at night, just naps.  By the following Monday, she was sleeping on her tummy some of the time.  By Tuesday, I put her to sleep at night on her tummy because she was rolling around the crib like a rolling pin.  And then she was fine.  She was comfortable sleeping on her tummy.

I love being on my tummy...except for in my crib.

However, her naps still seemed a little "off."  Some days she would nap great with Dad, others not so much.  We all just chalked it up to getting used to sleeping on her tummy.  HA!  My mom came over one afternoon (Thursday, August 9) to hang out with Susan and Grandaddy.  Susan put mom's finger in her mouth and mom felt something. 

SIDE NOTE:  Susan has been drooling heavily since she was two months old.  Of course, everyone in the older generation (our parents and grandparents) said she was teething.  In Naples, over the 4th of July, she learned how to reach out and hold things.  As soon as she did, she put EVERYTHING in her mouth.  Of course,  anytime they saw her, our parents and grandparents said again that she was obviously teething.  We did our best not to roll our eyes (sorry y'all).  Susan wasn't teething.  She may have been showing signs that teething was close, but all babies put stuff in their mouths and all babies drool.  It is just what they do.

And I mean everything.

Anyway, that Thursday, Susu (what Susan will be calling my mom) felt something in Susan's mouth.  My dad called that afternoon and said "Susan might be teething."  I rolled my eyes and said ok.  Pretty sure my dad heard the eye roll on the phone because when I came home, both of  my parents said "we felt a tooth."  Well that was pretty exciting.  Susan was napping but as soon as she woke up, I stuck my finger in and BOOM.  Tooth.  She was 4.5 months old.  Yep.  It was her right lateral incisor.  I called Chris and told him the news.  He felt it too!  We are pretty sure the tooth "erupted" (which is the name some terrible person gave it for when the tooth breaks through the gum) on Wednesday, Aug. 8 (one week to the day from becoming the rolling champion) but honestly, we don't know.  We thought must of her fussiness and bad naps were the result of sleeping on her tummy, not teething. 

By that Sunday, the tooth was really poking through.  And when the tooth erupts, the baby is supposed to feel better.  The part that makes baby feel so yucky is how swollen and tender the gum is right before the tooth erupts.  Well, still Susan seemed a little unhappy.  So, I put my finger in her mouth, and next to current Tooth 1 was a tiny swollen bump.  Yep, Tooth 2 is currently on its way.  It still hasn't erupted, but her gums are pretty swollen. 

So, yes, its hard out here for a baby.  There is just so much happening!  It is  also hard out here for a parent.  But so so so worth it.  On Sunday, August 19, she turned 5 months old.  We decided to start solid foods that day.  It has been great so far.  I'll let Chris really break it down because his version will be far more entertaining than mine.

I freakin LOVE bananas!

Dad: The ALL IS WELL Alarm

SIDS is a serious thing, and it is easily my biggest fear as a parent. The trouble is, marketers of baby sleep products know this. And they will exploit your fear so you buy their products. Case in point: baby monitors. For the record, I think it's a good thing to own a baby monitor as long as you don't run into the nursery at every little peep the baby makes. There are several types of baby monitors; some come with a video camera; some with motion sensors; some made by Skynet come with a robot nanny who soothes your child to sleep, so long as your baby isn't named John Connor.

Just as a general rule, I don't buy anything made by Skynet.

The one we use is called the Angel Care monitor, and I highly recommend it. I also highly recommend reading the instruction booklet. Let me explain why.

The Angel Care monitor has a motion sensor that you place under the baby's mattress that responds to the baby's breathing. In theory, if said baby stops breathing, the monitor lets you know. But it doesn't do it calmly, like "Oh hey guys, I think your child might have stopped breathing. Probably a false alarm, but you might wanna go check it out. Just a suggestion."

No, the Angel Care monitor freaks the eff out. It's like the sound of your alarm clock, if your alarm clock were forged in the fires of Mordor. And if you don't know how to adjust the monitor, you're going to be in for a lot of false alarms, like we were.

Angel Care's corporate headquarters.

The problem lies in the motion sensor's sensitivity control. Turn it up too high, and you can swap your baby out with a stuffed animal without the monitor catching on. Turn it down too low, and Susan could be springing backflips on the mattress and the monitor would still think she's down for the count.

As it turns out, we had ours turned down too low. Waaaaaay too low.

Picture this: mom and dad sleeping in their warm cozy beds, dead to the world since they get far less sleep than they need. Mom is dreaming about Susan. Dad is dreaming about dinosaurs because (as his wife tells him to make him feel better about the fact that he is really a five-year-old at heart) he has a "vivid imagination." The dog is in the middle of the bed dreaming about owning a pet lemur named Larry. It's 2:00 a.m. It's quiet. It's dark. It's peaceful. And then this happens:

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Mom and dad jerk awake, and before mom can even yell "OMG SHE'S DYING!!!!!", dad has jumped out of bed like Usain Bolt from the starting blocks in the 100 meter. He cuts left through the hallway, right into the living room and bolts up the stairs, bounding up to the second floor in just four steps with a level athleticism that is completely absent in any other endeavor of his life. His adrenaline is pumping, and he throws open the door to the nursery expecting to find his baby blue in the face. He tries to remember if infant CPR requires 20 chest pumps or 30, and how many times you're supposed to blow air into her mouth. Or no, do you blow air first, and then start the chest pumps? And when should he call Addison Shepherd?

Except when dad looks in the crib, baby is sleeping peacefully. And breathing. She just shifted off the motion sensor pad. By this point, mom has made it up the stairs. Even the dog came along to check on baby Susan. Everyone's relieved that things are OK, and now they can all go lie awake in bed for the next two hours.

In summary, none of this is conducive to a good night's sleep.

So what was the beeping about? Apparently the Angel Care monitor's sensitivity control ranges from "YOUR BABY IS DYING" to "ALL IS WELL" modes. As we had it set, our monitor, instead of telling us when there IS a problem, told us when everything was OK. When it went off in the middle of the night, what it's really saying is this:

ATTENTION COOK FAMILY. ALL IS WELL. I REPEAT: ALL IS WELL. 

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. SUSAN IS SLEEPING. SHE IS NOT DYING. DO NOT PANIC. I REPEAT: DO NOT PANIC. IF SHE STOPS BREATHING, I WILL LET YOU KNOW BECAUSE I AM THE ANGEL CARE MONITOR AND I GIVE YOU PEACE OF MIND. CONSIDER YOUR MIND EASED. YOU MAY NOW GO BACK TO SLEEP. I REPEAT: GO BACK TO SLEEP. SHOULD YOU NEED A LULLABY, I WILL CONTINUE BEEPING. PLEASE TURN ME OFF ONCE YOU ARE ASLEEP. THANK YOU. 

On the plus side, I've gotten really fast at running up the stairs. I can consistently go first floor to second floor in under 4 seconds, which is probably an Olympic record if they keep track of such a thing.