It’s hard to believe that exactly two years ago, Mary
Jane and I decided to write a blog and that two years later, we’re still
writing. It’s hard to believe because since our darling Hurricane Susan was
born on March 19, 2012, we barely have time to pee, yet we’ve still found a way
to write a whopping 82 POSTS here
and several more on BabyCenter. We are like the
Ernest Hemmingway and James Joyce of baby blogging, minus the rampant alcoholism,
staggering vocabulary, symbolism, literary merit and postmortem
success (at least we’re still in the running for that one!).
What we do have are lots and lots of poop jokes and (hopefully entertaining) tales of failure and accidental success. We started this blog as a way to chronicle our journey through parenthood, starting from positive pregnancy test – A Thin Red Line! Get it?? How’s THAT for symbolism? Suck on that, Hemmingway. – to just this evening when my Susan threw her fork at her mother and screamed what was the toddler equivalent of “THIS IS SPARTA!”
Mary Jane and I thought it appropriate to celebrate how far we’ve come (as bloggers, not parents) with an anniversary post sharing our favorite “essays.” Essays are what an editor will hopefully call these one day when we publish a book, but for now we’ll continue to call them “things our college English professors would label ‘Let's talk about this after class.’”
So without further ado here are what we, the authors of this wonderful blog that distracts you from your real job once every couple weeks, feel is our best work.
What we do have are lots and lots of poop jokes and (hopefully entertaining) tales of failure and accidental success. We started this blog as a way to chronicle our journey through parenthood, starting from positive pregnancy test – A Thin Red Line! Get it?? How’s THAT for symbolism? Suck on that, Hemmingway. – to just this evening when my Susan threw her fork at her mother and screamed what was the toddler equivalent of “THIS IS SPARTA!”
Mary Jane and I thought it appropriate to celebrate how far we’ve come (as bloggers, not parents) with an anniversary post sharing our favorite “essays.” Essays are what an editor will hopefully call these one day when we publish a book, but for now we’ll continue to call them “things our college English professors would label ‘Let's talk about this after class.’”
So without further ado here are what we, the authors of this wonderful blog that distracts you from your real job once every couple weeks, feel is our best work.
DAD’S PICKS
Dad: Buttons, Zippers and Snaps – Oh my.
“Baby clothes are great when they’re on the rack and when
they’re on your kid. Putting them on is the problem. My question for the baby
clothes makers around the world is WHY DO THE BUTTONS HAVE TO BE SO DAMN
SMALL???? Susan isn’t dressing herself. The adults are. So why do they put
buttons that only an infant could handle onto baby clothes? Were they
outsourced to The Shire? Do you know how hard it is to squeeze a quarter-inch
button into a slot that’s half the size of my pinky nail? Maybe it’s not that bad
if you’re a representative of the Lollipop Guild, but for those of us NOT from
Oz, it’s near impossible.”
Mom: Priorities
“Essential to a strong marriage is putting each other first above your children. Sounds radical right? Especially in this day and age where parents' lives literally revolve around their children. My parents were not like that, mostly because their parents weren't like that. I remember the conversation I had with my mom about marriage. Maybe a friend's parents were getting divorced because I don't really remember why or how the topic came up. But I remember my mom telling me that her relationship with my dad came first, before me and Philip. Making time for each other and doing things together – that was a priority. Because like my mom said, without the two of them, there would be no family. The marriage is the glue.”
Dad: The ALL IS WELL Alarm
“The Angel Care monitor has a motion sensor that you place under the baby's mattress that responds to the baby's breathing. In theory, if said baby stops breathing, the monitor lets you know. But it doesn't do it calmly, like ‘Oh hey guys, I think your child might have stopped breathing. Probably a false alarm, but you might wanna go check it out. Just a suggestion.’ No, the Angel Care monitor freaks the eff out. It's like the sound of your alarm clock, if your alarm clock were forged in the fires of Mordor.”
MOM’S PICKS
Mom: Creating a Mom Network
“I am so thankful to have friends and co-workers who have babies and who aren't judgmental when I have questions. So I guess my biggest piece of advice to my friends who are pregnant is, don't be afraid to ask for help or ideas. Yes, you will know what works best for your baby, but hearing war stories from your friends and tips and tricks that they found helpful really is beneficial. And always remember, this too shall pass. Until the next big development. If I have learned anything over the last 7 months it’s NOTHING STAYS THE SAME FOR LONG.”
Mom: Priorities
“Essential to a strong marriage is putting each other first above your children. Sounds radical right? Especially in this day and age where parents' lives literally revolve around their children. My parents were not like that, mostly because their parents weren't like that. I remember the conversation I had with my mom about marriage. Maybe a friend's parents were getting divorced because I don't really remember why or how the topic came up. But I remember my mom telling me that her relationship with my dad came first, before me and Philip. Making time for each other and doing things together – that was a priority. Because like my mom said, without the two of them, there would be no family. The marriage is the glue.”
Dad: The ALL IS WELL Alarm
“The Angel Care monitor has a motion sensor that you place under the baby's mattress that responds to the baby's breathing. In theory, if said baby stops breathing, the monitor lets you know. But it doesn't do it calmly, like ‘Oh hey guys, I think your child might have stopped breathing. Probably a false alarm, but you might wanna go check it out. Just a suggestion.’ No, the Angel Care monitor freaks the eff out. It's like the sound of your alarm clock, if your alarm clock were forged in the fires of Mordor.”
MOM’S PICKS
Mom: Creating a Mom Network
“I am so thankful to have friends and co-workers who have babies and who aren't judgmental when I have questions. So I guess my biggest piece of advice to my friends who are pregnant is, don't be afraid to ask for help or ideas. Yes, you will know what works best for your baby, but hearing war stories from your friends and tips and tricks that they found helpful really is beneficial. And always remember, this too shall pass. Until the next big development. If I have learned anything over the last 7 months it’s NOTHING STAYS THE SAME FOR LONG.”
Dad: Vacation Part 3: Saving Baby Susan
Wife: TURN HERE TURN HERE TURN HERE WHY DIDN’T YOU TURN THERE!!??
Baby: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Husband: WHERE!?
Wife: BACK THERE YOU MISSED IT!!!
Husband: OK LIKE THIS??
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STOPPING!? WHY DO YOU KEEP STOPPING!!!
Baby: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Husband: THERE ARE CARS!! THIS ISN’T GRAND THEFT AUTO!!!
Baby: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Wife: IF YOU WENT OVER THERE LIKE I TOLD YOU TO, THERE WOULDN’T BE ANY CARS!!!
Baby: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Husband: SCREW THIS WE’RE STEALING THE DOG AND GOING HOME
Dad: The Great Pumpkin
“So two days before Halloween, we set out to the Pumpkin Headquarters that is Wal-Mart in search of our flawed-but-special pumpkin. Except when we got to Wal-Mart, all they had were those stupid gourds that stores try to pass off as funky, non-conformist, anti-establishment pumpkins that you find on the doorsteps of hipsters who feel the need to push back against the social restrictions placed on Halloween by 'The Man.' Not even Gallagher wants those pumpkins. (I apologize if any of you reading this bought those gourds...I commend you for your non-conformity).”
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