Monday, August 8, 2011

Husband: The stages of fetal development

We are heading into the seventh week of pregnancy. At this point, the baby has started to sprout arms and legs. Right now, it just has four nubs and a head, resembling a budding lima bean or mutant potato. Also it has a beating heart, but it’s on the outside of its body, and holes that will eventually become eyes and ears. Awwwwwwwwwww…..

If I ran into a human-sized version of our baby on the street, I’d probably mess myself and run away. It’s like something out of a Rob Zombie movie. Except it’s growing in my wife’s belly. Which is also like something out of a Rob Zombie movie.

It’s supposed to get cuter. Soon it starts to look like a manatee, which is definitely a step up. Then it reverts back to a Beavis-like state before finally assuming human form.

This is available for purchase. Talking to you, What to Expect editors.
I kid, but MAN I CAN’T WAIT FOR IT TO GET HERE. The first thing people ask when you tell them you’re pregnant is, “When is it due?” (end of March). Then, “Are you going to find out the sex?” (yes). And finally, “Do you want a boy or a girl?” I honestly want both.

Dear Karma: If you read this blog, please don’t take me literally. Just one baby is fine for now. Also I’m sorry for the velociraptor/MerMAN/manatee/Beavis jokes.
Wife and I have talked and ideally we want two babies (EVENTUALLY), one of each. As a man, you’d think I want a little boy pretty badly. I do want a little boy, but I want a little girl just as bad. I have a lot of co-workers who have little girls, and I can definitely see myself joining that club.

Wife has tried a few old wives’ tale methods of figuring out the sex, and all have pointed to girl. One involved peeing on baking soda. A pregnant woman’s urine sure is useful. These tests are only about 50% accurate though, so I could have flipped a coin, thrown darts at a wall or used one of those paper fortune teller things and been just as accurate.

It's a Girl!! Also, you smell like the zoo.
I’ve read that during pregnancy, the food that a woman eats can affect the kid’s food preferences later in life. Anecdotally, that seems to be true. My mother-in-law craved spicy food when she was pregnant with my brother-in-law, and now he puts hot sauce on almost everything he eats. If that’s the case with our baby, it will like the following:

•    Shark Week
•    Chipotle
•    Early bedtimes
•    Turkey bacon
•    Massages
•    Dancing. In public. During 6 a.m. walks around the neighborhood.
•    Not Ke$ha. Not ever in this house.

The baby probably also wonders what in the hell that random whining/crying/torture-in-progress noise is. The sound of what you’d think is a dying animal with its foot caught in a bear trap. That, in fact, is our dog, who when he doesn’t get his way likes to make the neighbors think we string him up by his tail and watch him swing from the ceiling fan. For the record, we don’t do that. Also for the record, we figure we got all of our bad parenting out of the way when we raised our now-spoiled dog. Here’s hoping.

The baby: just one more person for Oscar to boss around.

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