Saturday, July 16, 2011

Husband: What has no thumbs and a tail?

What has two thumbs and is about to be a father? This guy. What has two thumbs and is growing a baby in her womb? My wife. What has no thumbs and a tail? Our unborn child.

My boys can swim. My proof is the bean-sized embryo in my wife’s uterus that’s currently turning into a baby (think Transformers). Technically, we’ve been “trying” to have a baby for only about a month. That followed a month of “not not trying” when my wife stopped taking her birth control. With everything I’ve heard, it takes most people several months, sometimes up to a year, to finally break through. We, apparently, are a pair of Fertile Myrtles.

We used the “Blitzkrieg” technique. Our strategy was to send in as many troops as quickly as possible to force her egg into submission. 

Blitzkrieg (German, "lightning war”) is an anglicized word describing all-mechanised force concentration of tanks, infantry, artillery and air power, concentrating overwhelming force at high speed to break through enemy lines, and, once the latter is broken, proceeding without regard to its flank.
Now if you replace “tanks, infantry, artillery and air power” with “sperm” and “enemy lines” with “egg wall”, that’s what we did. And it worked.

We both found out yesterday. We had just gotten back from watching the last Harry Potter movie (awesome), and I walked our dog Oscar out back to use the bathroom. After battling with him for about 10 minutes (standard, a story for another post), I gave up and came back inside. MJ was standing at the kitchen sink with a smirk on her face. She said, “I think I’m pregnant,” and showed me the pee stick in her hands. 

She didn't look quite as pissed.
These pregnancy tests, if you’re not familiar with them, are about as simple as they can get. Pee on one end, wait a minute and look in the window to see if you have a baby. The instructions are clear: one line is NOT pregnant, two lines is VERY pregnant.  What I saw was about 1.000000000000001 lines. I seriously had to hold it about 2 inches from my face (yes, pee-soaked pregnancy test inches from my mouth) to see the second line, but it was there. Skeptical (but smiling and hopeful) I told MJ to go take another test to make sure. She failed to save any of her pee though, so we had to wait. Eventually, two more tests showed the same result, and a fourth test (another brand) the next morning confirmed. In hindsight, I probably should have given her a standing ovation because going 4-for-4 is a good day for anybody (think Derek Jeter).

I think it’d make this process a lot more fun if these preg tests had some bells and lights (think slot machine). Speaking of slot machines, my brother sent me a text today – “If yalls baby was conceived in vegas u have to call him or her carlos.” We went to Vegas for a wedding about a month ago. You can always rely on Zack for some comedic relief.

So of course we already have some books. They have pictures (awesome). Apparently our baby is pretty close to what I’d call the “Your baby now looks like a dinosaur” stage. 

 Your velociraptor at one month.

Just a hunch, but her take on these events is probably a bit different from mine. You'll probably hear from her soon, although it looks like the baby is already sucking the life out of her. She is asleep on the couch.

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